10 Things Every Parent Should Know About Having Young Kids

1. Children are half adorable new kitten, half demon. The kitten part keeps them alive, the demon part makes you often want to end yours.
2. Parenting with your pride intact is like pushing mashed potatoes uphill, impossible. It’s best to empty yourself of pride ahead of time; otherwise it will be done for you as your son screams “Mommy, that man smells AWFUL! That one! Right there!” to the entire population of Walmart. (Kids are so honest; he did smell pretty bad.) 
3. You will become friends with poop. When did she last poop? What color? How much? Where’d that poop come from? Whose poop IS that?
4.  “Uh-Oh” and then a pause is the death knell for all of the pretty things in your home.
5.  Sweet little girls with sweet little curls still bite. Hard. And when you least expect it. Day Care’s don’t like biters.
6.  There will never, ever, be another clean wall in your home. Your walls will be covered with substances that a HASMAT crew wouldn’t touch, even in their nifty suits.
7.  You’ll have to act like you know what you’re doing 100% of the time when you actually only do 10%. The great thing is they buy our stupidity until about 9 years old. After that you’re just screwed.
8. Kids are the most innocently honest things in the world, which you will be thankful for, as in “Mommy, you’re the best mommy even if you’re not perfect!” And dread, as in “Mommy, you’re face looks so much prettier today! It’s almost normal!”
9. Requiring a child to swallow something they don’t like can end in vomit, at the dinner table, into their plate. Vomit effectively ends dinner. For everyone.
10. Sleep is like a free all exclusive vacation on some tropical island where children are banned and adult drinks flow from fountains around ever marbled corner. You’ll hear wonderful things about it, dream about it, long for it. You may even know people who’ve gotten it somehow. But it will never be you. Ever. If you do by some miracle get more than 4 hours of sleep you will promptly be woken up with “Uh-Oh.” See number 4.
11. (Number 11! This is a list of 10. Go with it.) Kids are dirty, difficult, tiring, life changers, and are the best decision, joy bringers, smile makers, heart fillers there is. I’m mostly thankful I didn’t know anything because if I had, I might not have become the best thing I’ve ever become. Mom.